Editor’s note: This post was meant to be published prior to Thanksgiving 2018… but because this is Shitclick, it’s over two months late. Now it’s Christmas themed.

Let’s face it, Christmas is about eating shitty and feeling shitty about it. However, nobody wants to eat a bad turkey. A bad turkey is worse than getting a tongue-blasted by a homeless man who recently just downed some Zzzquil. Drowsy and gross. However however, we’re here for you. We know why you’re here. You’re looking for those last minute recipes that are going to blow the pants off grandma, and grandma’s poo-filled diaper.

Well too bad, sucka Jane! Last minute protein-riddled recipes are a fool’s errand. You’re going to make some gross-ass shit that makes everyone sick and get excommunicated from every family gathering. Wait…unless that’s your plan. Oh my god, you hate your family. Oh man, I should’ve realized. Why else would you have waited till the last minute to find a turkey recipe? The turkey. The crux of Christmas dinner. The Dennis Quaid of the Christmas spread (Randy Quaid is the stuffing, obvs.)

If that’s the case, we have the answer for you. Here are [insert title here] so that you never have to see those frickin’ normies ever again.

1. RAW bird™

Nothing says fancy like turkey au raw. This will make your family say “wow, I really wish I had deleted your number from my phone when you ruined your sister’s wedding”. If you want something that will make your whole family’s assholes leak like the walls of Watergate, this is the recipe for you.

2. The Charred REMAINS

Sometimes you set out to cook something good, and it’s like “nice! I made something edible” and other times it’s like “Kill me my ancestors didn’t die for this.” This recipe is undoubtedly the latter. That’s all.

3. A Spoonful of unwarranted politics

Yeah, you’re already getting this with Christmas so no need for a recipe.

4. Turkey Shave – It’s good

Yeah it’s yummy

5. Deep-fried House Fire

So you heard deep-fried turkeys are dope. So you dropped a frozen turkey in the oil drum you keep in your meth yard and it lit the dead, dry grass on fire and burned the house down.

Enjoy picking at the burnt skin and broken dreams of the people who made the mistake of coming to your Christmas. You monster.