This post was co-authored by Haley Fraser & Jake Morgan. Neither are sorry.

Let’s face it: things feel pretty weird right now. But weird is good (better than the alternatives), and at Shitclick, we feel that staying indoors, alone, and washing your hands incessantly aligns pretty well with our ethos. As self-proclaimed authorities on shit, we find the panic buying of hygienic supplies obscene at best. Never fear, because in the highly unlikely event that any of you do actually run out of toilet paper, here are some items and procedures you can employ to make sure your between-the-cheeky is squeaky-squeaky.

1. Twerk it Off

Staying at home all day might have you feeling a little soft in the gut, so adding workouts to your daily routine is a must. And if you’re running low on shit tickets, twerking yourself clean will give you a fast pass to a toned core and a clean(ish) behind.

2. The old, stained, funky towel in the back of the closet

You know the one I’m talking about: it’s your go-to party foul cleaner, your faithful friend when your animals miss the mark, the one you stuff in the bottom of the laundry basket hoping it will disappear into the ether. No matter how many times you wash it, that towel pops out funkier than the white boy laid down the boogie. What better way to finally rid yourself of The Towel That Haunts Your Closet™ than rubbing every inch of that bad boy all up in your cheeky-weekies. Just make sure to burn it after you’re done and send it to hell where it belongs.

3. Existential Dread

You’ve never been left alone with your thoughts for this long, have you? No more mindless social interactions to detract from the mundanity of your life? You’ve never woken up in the morning, stared into your own eyes and felt the void peering back as if to assert dominance? Congratulations, these next few weeks will make you feel new pits of your own psyche that you hadn’t ever encountered before. This likely won’t help with the human waste stuck to your body, but let’s acknowledge it. Maybe then it’ll stop staring at you when you sleep.

4. Learn to do magic

Now, I’m not talking “is this your card?” type of magic. I mean honest-to-satan, I-put-on-my-robe-and-wizard-hat black magic. Trade your smartphone for a spellbook and recite incantations while your cheeks ride porcelain. Reach into the void and pluck out the very essence of everything that ever was and ever will be and harness it in your paperless hand. Then, summon something dark and infernal from the other side to help you accomplish something you perfected when you were a child. Only one who has mastered the ancient art of spell-crafting and wizardry can truly have the cleanest of buttholes, a poop-tube so clean it would make the elder gods blush.

5. The sCoOt

Looking for a reason to replace that old carpet in your house? Look no further. It’s hard to see a silver lining in times like these, but if the image of everyone you know scooting along the carpet like a dog with a dingleberry doesn’t bring some sort of a smile to your face, then why the hell are you even reading this article?

6. Your Hand

C’mon bro, don’t be a coward. You’re going to wash those pooper scoopers anyway, why not get wrist-deep in your pants meat and slap that shit right off. Toilet paper is a crutch, cut out the middle-man! Novices should stick with the tried-and-true one finger method, also known as the “pipe cleaner”, before graduating to the “wham bam slap that ham” technique. As an added bonus, using your hand helps with social distancing, because nobody wants a five-finger chocolate pretzel anywhere near them. But don’t let it get you down, you eco-friendly frugal pooper!

7. Just Sneeze Really Hard

Now this one is my personal favorite because a good sneeze really gets the heart rate up and reminds everyone around you to pay attention to you. But if you’re on the can, you can also try to sneeze off anything that may be clinging onto your place where the sun doesn’t shine. Bring some pepper into the bathroom and Achoo the poo away!

8. Ulysses by James Joyce

I bought this book back in college when I thought I was a brilliant intellectual. Heralded as one of the most daunting books to read, I wanted to prove my literary prowess by tackling the monster. However, life is a fickle and impatient thing, and time moves forever onward. I just couldn’t find the time to get around to it. The book has since sat on my shelf, forever taunting me. I take the book from its resting place, feeling the heft of it in my palm and quietly mutter, “One day, I’ll finally sit down and read this,” before placing it back where it lives.

Anyway, that dummy-thicc book baby has, like, a bajillion pages so use it to wipe your chubby-wubby pants buddy.

9. Your Will to Live

(too dark? Nah.)